I was contacted about a super cool thing I was involved in nearly 30 years ago, being made into a documentary. I watched raw footage of myself in my 20s before agreeing to use it. I don’t even remember the footage being filmed. At first, I was amused by how young and cute I was. Then something unexpected happened: I got angry. I was distraught for about a week.
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I hated my young self for the choices I made. I blamed her for having two strokes at 38, simply for being there at the time. I blamed myself for everything that happened as if I deserved to suffer.
It took some time to understand I was grieving. My younger self needs compassion, not condemnation, understanding, not punishment. So, I put it on the page to release her and honour my grief.
RAW FOOTAGE There she is in raw footage unaware of a future that sees her yet a future she can't see Her eyes roll like she’s nothing special nothing to love nothing beyond now Her truth is undiscovered Her secrets Denied Confined Eating their way out She is right the world is fucked She’s also wrong There is hope There is always hope I can’t see the life she hasn’t lived I’ll forgive the choices she made The ones I can’t unmake She can’t imagine her future is watching knowing informed A future she can't see